This golden retriever, much like your cousin Chad, cannot even fucking cope with his excitement about football season. He loves it so much, in fact, that some Septembers he will hop back and forth laterally for NEARLY TWO POINT FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT. (Much like your cousin Chad.) And that is just the hopping we know…

Scarlett Johansson's baby finally came out of her! And it's a girl and her name is Rose Dorothy and she's probably hella fucking cute.

Rejection is the pits. We know this. Professional rejection, academic rejection, organ rejection, and, most especially, romantic rejection. So it's totally understandable why this semi-anonymous Tinder user, known only as "Tom," would FLIP THE FUCK OUT like a baby that got sand on its binky when politely rebuffed by a…

Apparently there's been some grumbling lately from people who identify as "Chris Pratt early adopters," unimpressed with the Jilly-come-latelies swooning over Guardians of the Galaxy. And to those Chris Pratt hipsters I say, you guys are being ludicrous.

Oh, thank goodness. One-man international diplomacy brain trust Phil Robertson—best known, thus far in his career, for being able to talk to ducks, reminiscing about Jim Crow, and having an alarming fixation on anal sex—has finally weighed in on what we should do about ISIS militants.

Genise Ruidiaz, a contortionist and dancer, was slated to perform in Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" routine at the VMAs while holding a live boa constrictor. The snake idea was scrapped before the live show, however, because it BIT RUIDIAZ DURING REHEARSAL WITH ITS BIG SNAKE MOUTH. And then the replacement snake bit a…

Dallas police reportedly "swarmed" a high school after a "possible fetus" was found in the bathroom, and announced that they were treating the girl who apparently miscarried and then "abandoned" the fetus as a "suspect." They were also praying for her, said Dallas Police Major John Lawton. Well, isn't that nice.

Oh, cool. A devastating end to a shithead summer. Five-year-old Malachi Wilson, a member of the Navajo Nation, was sent home from his first day at a Texas kindergarten for having hair that was deemed "too long." Wilson's mother, April, says that her son was devastated by the encounter. And, seeing as Wilson keeps his…

It had to happen sometime. The bees have turned on Blake Lively.

Artist, writer, filmmaker, space faun, and great-eyeball-haver Miranda July has now joined the ranks of the tech bros with her new project "Somebody." It's a smartphone app that's part messaging service, part public performance art project, part social commentary on technology and isolation. You can get an idea of how…

Let me tell you guys my idea of a perfect Christmas. You wake up like it's any other day—it might not feel like December 25, it might even feel like, say, August 27—you go to work, you eat your sandwich, you shoulder life's banality with the resignation of a much older woman, and then...someone sends you a link. You…

OH HOW I LOVE HER. Kristen Stewart continues to hoard all of the world's fucks in a massive underground ice lair, ne'er to be released, in a new interview with Vanity Fair France. Don't bother telling her what you think of her, because THE FUCKS ARE SECURE.

Eighty-five-year-old Alice Vaticano was supposed to be wheeled to the Southwest Airlines gate to catch her flight home to Denver, but instead a "processing error" left her stranded in a wheelchair in Newark for 11 hours. Vaticano, who is "sometimes forgetful," didn't know where she was, and had no choice but to sit…

Dear Prudie is just a troll, right? That's her thing? Like, that time when she attempted to "help" a "gluttonous" child (CHILD!!!) with a mocking animated video that depicted said child (CHILD!!!!!!!!) as a ghoulish pig-monster—she didn't really believe that that was a good, ethical, constructive thing to do, right?

Bad news for all you hopeless romantics out there. It seems that French Montana and Khloe Kardashian have "broken up," and all that's left is for him to collect his sizeable E! check at the door. RIP, KHLENCH MONTASHA. IF ONLY I'D MADE UP THAT PORTMANTEAU SOONER.

Today in A-DOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, science has collected some hard data on a phenomenon called "sleep drunkenness"—also known as waking up grumpy and confused because fuck your alarm clock AND THIS MODERN WORLD.

When I was a kid, we had two cats who came and went as they pleased via a cat door in our basement. Their names were Georgie and Gracie, which isn't really relevant to the story—I'm just mentioning it because RIP, MY SWEET LADIES—and we were confused because they seemed to be not only eating massive amounts of food,…