My dear OtisEagle, many people in your situation have been able to gradually transition their loved ones into a more Biblical automotive lifestyle by easing them from a Subauru into a Toyota Sienna.

I believe Chobani. If they had stolen Fage's recipe, their yogurt would taste much better.

Awww, look at you trolling. Keep it up, Kid, and some day you'll find yourself a real, big-boy Internet argument of your very own.

Elizabeth, Girl... If you recently got out of a shitty marriage, and you think that dating Tom "my-last-wife-had-to-be-extracted-from-our-marriage-by-Seal-Team-6" Cruise sounds like a good idea... You should maybe be single for a little while longer?

I, for one, believe Paula Deen when she says she treats her employees like family. Aunt Paula is clearly that flakey relative whose calls you avoid taking because you know whatever it is, it's going to be some bullshit, and it'll come back to bite you in the end, no matter what you do.

A non-batshit Republican from my state who thinks we should leave women's' vaginas alone...? What sorcery is this?

If your father drives a Subaru, then he is not secretly a lesbian. He is openly lesbian. Congratulations on being part of the destruction of our country's moral fabric!

It makes you an abomination in the eyes of God. For as it says in the book of Matthew, "And lo, He shall separate the wheat from the chaff, the sheep from the goats, the Outbacks from the Camrys."

You should _totally_ marry into the Bachmann family. Not because it will fix anything, but because someone should live-blog those holiday get-togethers.

Your parents obviously got divorced because you're gay. I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this.

You already knew the answer when you typed "I drive an Impreza." You're wasting my time and yours with this question.

I assume it will be tomorrow's 'Question of the Day': "What car will turn you gay the fastest?"

If you're "knee-deep in Subarus" then you are already in the circle of Hell reserved exclusively for lesbians. I would have thought you'd have guessed that because of all the short haircuts and practical shoes....

Well then, I'm sorry to say that it is already too late.

You guys, this is just common sense. Like, if you're a guy, then you have a penis. And if you masturbate, then you're touching your penis. Which makes you a guy touching a penis. Which makes you gay.

Honestly, folks, everyone knows that you post a YouTube link to a Lonely Island video post-coitus.

"Babies and weddings and dating..."

Yes, the problem that poor people face is that the world presents too "welcoming" an environment for them.

Apparently so could everyone else. Disclaimer warranted.