This 35 year old comedian can’t believe that 39 year old politician would lie about his age like that. 

I have gone back and forth between the headline and the article text a dozen times and can’t figure out what the fuck it means. Comparing the final sentence to the embedded tweet is making my head hurt. I need more whiskey, and Chris needs less. 

Mugging victim: So I was eating a sandwich and the guy just ran up and beat me over the head and took my phone and wallet!
Trump: What kind of sandwich

I just audibly gasped in my office when I scrawled to this. My coworkers probably think I just read about some horrible natural disaster. (Which, I guess isn’t a totally inaccurate description of Eric.)

I absolutely love watching these prep school psychos being revealed to be slobbering dipshits. If the U.S. was the meritocracy these conservative creeps imagine it to be, they wouldn’t be trusted with any job more intellectually demanding than breaking rocks with a hammer.

Looks like he’s telling a cop that he HAD to steal his nephew’s BMX bike because his nephew stole the lug nuts off his truck to sell for drug money and dammit he had to get to work some way

Cuomo [Smugly]: with me at the helm, we’ll all be dead soon.

It’s hard to have much hope that Trump will ever really face justice, but for now, my excitement for the forthcoming rage tweets will suffice.

Wait, why are people mad(?) at Nicki Minaj?

“We’ve been estranged from my brother for years. Ever since he started spouting all this insane nonsense like ‘brown people deserve basic human rights’ and ‘the holocaust was bad, actually’ we’ve been unable to countenance his presence at family gatherings. A true shame.”

Nathan Peterman was the Executive Chef at Fyre Festival

I’m convinced that no neuronormative humans burn sneakers or flush cereal down the toilet or shoot offending newspapers. I think it’s all done by Attention Creatures, who don’t exist in the real world but create visible effects online as something like a prion affecting social media algorithms.

The alternative to this…

I was screaming about politics at my deeply conservative dad and then all of a sudden he said Ted Cruz was “gross” and we spent like 5 minutes laughing about how everyone reacts to Ted like they would react to seeing a massive centipede

I like the guy whose email is easportssucksass@yahoo.com

I had a similar experience recently when I profiled a fashion designer for my job. I do not like feeling as stupid as I felt on that assignment. 

The NCAA operates with the exact level of sophistication as my cat when she enthusiastically and very smugly bites down into her own tail, which she NEVER remembers is attached to her body until she bites it and then yelps in pain.

My take is that all sports like tennis, golf, baseball, cycling etc. (slow boring shitty sports that old fat rich people like) should be banned.

Author: Mr. Trump is a child, but rest assured that adults are in the room.

GO OFF KING

I work in content marketing and I can say with 100% certainty that the creators of this have no self-awareness and 100% definitely will list this as a form of progressive activism on their resumes in the future