please bring me some tea

Go Pjur or go home.

Bitten by a radioactive Ann Coulter?

I am so excited Jezzies! I decided to pull the trigger on getting a kitten. I’ve never had a cat before and I’m kind of nervous about doing a good job taking care of it. I’ve had dogs, but how do I cat? What do kittens like to play with? How likely is it that I could train one to use a toilet? Give me your best cat…

There’s also the video filmed at the Playboy mansion:

With proper ID, you can get a sexting ring at the neighborhood adult bookstore.

I thought it sounded like a really gaudy piece of jewelry.

“I had sexting ring once. A little prescription ointment cleared it right up...”

By the time my 1 year old needs a cell phone, the brainwashing will have already set in and she will truly believe that naked selfies steal your soul just like I planned.

I’m so glad, for so many reasons, that social media was in like MySpace infancy when I was in high school.

“There I was, enjoying a light repast at the Applebuddies club, engaging in a fine and stimulating discussion of Amanda McKittrick Ros’s brilliant use of simile and metaphor, when suddenly what should assault my ears but some jenny foreigner defiling the rarefied air of our great nation with her native tongue! Well I…

Well, to be fair, Santorum is a member of the CHRISTIAN Taliban. So in a way, they share the same values.

preach. lube should be in everyone’s bedside drawer.

The only thing sadder than trying to show everyone how many friends you have is trying to show everyone how many enemies you have. Cause surely, they’re like “uhhh who? Oh that guy? I think I saw him once at WaWa. Oh that was Jim? Ha you’re right! Jim is the MAN! What were we talking about again?”

his track record would indicate he isn’t much of a threat

I feel like this is Santorum’s entire statement:

I’m quite sure that ISIS could not give two farts less who Rick Santorum is.

I like your style.

Seriously. I’m 34 and I never, ever needed lube. Until recently. It has made me feel so awful and even left me wondering if my marriage is failing because why would I need this??????? I hate that feeling.

#teamlubeonasandwich