“Well, you can’t just lock up all of them. It would be too obvious.” - Ferguson Police Department

I bet every time they bring out the contract, Von sneaks around and pokes it out of their hands.

Not that I care about baseball, but if I hacked MLB’s Twitter I’d probably report Derek Jeter (or Mariano Rivera) both admitted longtime PED use, and have subsequently renounced their HOF status. Just to BREAK BRAINS.

I would start sliding into a bunch of sports writer’s DMs asking them to write puff-pieces on various high profile athletes because, “Some negative information is going to be revealed soon”. Time to see who actually cares about the shield’s wishes.

“The Washington Redskins are on indefinite hiatus until they change the name of the team.”

For baseball, I would only tweet the losses by the Cardinals, nothing more.

Smug asshole meets smug rich asshole.

I like him. Here he is as a child:

Bears.

Odor: “Hey, man. How’d the date go last night?”

It’s burns like this that make me glad I can’t read.

Wilson worked hard on this speech. He read through a ton of Google search results to find it.

oh. I thot he was trying to force the servers (“superuser do” for you non-unix propellerheads) to make this article into true journalism.... ;)

What could have caused the worldwide depressurization?

Let me explain it to you in Stanley Cup Playoff overtime terms...oh wait, you’re Canadian, you wouldn’t understand that either.

Hard to believe that there were some shots fired last night by a Laker that wasn’t Kobe.

I guess you could say that fence is so tall, it’s two Story’s.

Starred for best Kinja joke of the day: RG3 giving someone a good look.

Exciting news for the Cleveland economy, as the Factory of Sadness has now increased production for the 220th straight year.