yeah

Chris Christie is what The Penguin would have looked like if his parents didn’t abandon him down a sewer as a child.

You libs can say what you want about Mitt Romney. He has Mario Kart, Goldeneye, and his dad gave us the whole basement.

K but like there’s a ton of other countries where you can do that too and also people don’t get murdered with guns all the time.

I don’t understand exceptionalism. I really don’t.

As someone who sometimes puts his dick in other guys’ butts, I disagree.

Good point. Teenagers never watch porn.

They should call it Hot Ham-Stew.

I don’t need a gimmick to show up at a Doctor Who-themed bar - this is just a perk! ;)

Man, I feel that. I get to the airport 4 hours early, minimum, for international flights.

In Soviet Russia, Yoga bans you.

But how will I fell superior to people if I can’t shop at Whole Foods? :(

Diamond just has to watch out for those evil Democats.

Idiots are people two!

R.I.P.

Aw, you’re sweet. I’m so glad my self-worth isn’t tied into the size or shape of my body, as yours seems to be. It’s probably best that you don’t get married or have children, you seem like a real peach.

I’ll stop devaluing the elderly when they stop acting like entitled fucking pricks, and I’ll accept them when they stop being racist, sexist, homophobic, classist goddamned fucking throwback jackoffs.

OOOOOOH

‘Sofia: Unfreeze your daughters, unfreeze your heart.’

Being a host is pretty much the worst, either you have the creepy older dudes hitting on them or the horrible customers abusing them. And since most places hire 16 year old girls for said job, they haven’t quite learned to stand up for themselves yet.