I like turtles!

You're drunk dad, go home

Max Weinberg in the darkest of timelines

Yep, and she's as dim as a damn two watt bulb.

If I had a nickel for every time I've left a city council meeting muttering those exact words.

What about my girlfriend in Canada who only dates Americans, is she lame too?
I'm totally going to visit her this summer.

I see a carney looking for his keys, long after the county fair has rolled out of town.

Jones & Kelly are the new sweet laurel caynon sound.

Very well put! Thanks for the insight!
(And no sarcasm, I know with this being the internet and all)

I am Megyn Kelly and I will retire.

Kennys A thru F were destroyed at the factory while Kenny H escaped and is still at large.

Knighted is the Danish term for "pants'd and pushed into the girls locker room".

Or someone with a mocking woody woodpecker laugh that goes on for minutes.

You mean the legos I buy at target are not collectors items?

Sex Appeal

As soon as it stops being funny is right when it starts being funny again.

RT After Dark w/ Randy Quaid

The van with the spray painted windows will be touring the local playgrounds this summer, then doing an extended performance at the police impound lot.

In America it would be fully armed, wearing aviators and asking passerbys "whats your fucking problem asshole?"

My local covfefe monger sells only free range covfefe, but I don't even own any.