Kindly return to the alt-right cave you crawled out of.

I had the same reaction when my dad died. I’d been dreading the news for so long that when it happened I just kind of went numb, like “...Huh. What do I do now?”

Would you be taking in midwestern refugees?

I have so many things to say but at this point most of them are varying combinations and strings of four-letter words that I’m sure others have already said. I was hoping my growing dissolution with this country would be proven at least partly wrong tonight, but I guess fuckin’ not.

I’m so fucking glad I’m never having kids because I don’t want to imagine what kind of world they’d inherit.

I guarantee they’re all white twenty-something self-centered dipshits with no concept of empathy or ability to give a shit about anything but their rank in Call of Duty.

As if I needed another reason to want to beat Harambe memers with a bike chain.

America:

Well, this’ll teach me not to be optimistic about anything, ever.

The only way I’d ever care about a baby reveal is if someone gave birth to like a giant katydid or something.

Now I’m glad I only eat sunflower seeds like, once a year at most.

Sunflower seeds still in the shells that you have to carefully crack open to avoid having the shells splinter and stab you in the roof of your mouth? Delicious.

Now put that picture on a shirt and get Hillary to wear it.

Voting for Hillary was easy-peasy, the part that troubles me is how our Republican, Clinton-hating mom’s gonna react if/when she finds out all three of her kids voted for the enemy.

“Hey I’m not an ignorant shithead, where’s my prize?”

My story’s pretty boring. I voted yesterday, which mostly involved standing in a line for about ten minutes in front of a coworker, listening to her telling a dude that “God appoints all leaders,” before it was finally my turn to vote. Then apparently there was a bit of a hiccup when the dude at the counter checked my…

She just wants to be the very best, is all.

I grew up next door in South Dakota, and after the last year or so I’ve pretty much written this entire part of the country off as a bigoted cesspool. I wasn’t at all surprised when my hometown showed up in a recent This American Life episode about Islamophobia in St. Cloud.