As far as weddings go, I feel like my little sister and her husband had the right idea: go to the courthouse, maybe bring someone along to take pictures.

I love how this assclown talks this big game about what a great president he’ll be, and then turns right around and implies that apparently he’ll be spending the majority of his time in office suing people. He does know that being president requires a lot of actual work, right?

That nose would be off the edge of the screen by the end of the first day.

One time I was out walking and I came across at least a couple bucks’ worth of quarters on the sidewalk...all glued firmly in place.

She’s the kind of beautiful that if I actually knew her I wouldn’t even bother developing a crush because she’d be so far out of my league.

So fucking glad neither of my sisters can stand Trump.

Sadly I kinda feel like that would be the best case scenario, given the sort of family they’ll be growing up in...

Grabbing someone’s brain doesn’t sound like a good idea.

need their father in their lives

I’ve actually gotten a lot of use out of three-hole punches back when I wasn’t such a lazy ass and made an effort to collect drafts of all my stories in big binders.

I can beat that.

The only way that hair could be more Eighties Douchebag is if it were permed.

He had some rather...interesting things to say about Native Americans.

Usually I’m all for museums and whatnot, but my hometown’s raging Oz boner on account of L. Frank Baum living here for like three years over a century ago has given me an irrational hatred for that movie. So no, I wouldn’t donate for those shoes.

Are there armadillos and opossums? ‘Cause if those are included then I’m sold.

I remember when I was cleaning cages at my grandfather’s vet clinic, with the cats all I had to do was scoop out the litter box and refill their food and water.

I’d say cat, but that’s mainly because I like cats way better than I like dogs.