Joke’s on you pal, I never graduated college!

I’ll admit, the new camera upgrades do sound pretty cool.

Well I can kinda see where he’s coming from with trans people being Predators, I mean one time I ran into a trans woman at Walmart, and she saw I had my pocket knife on me so she tore my head off and put my skull on display in her spaceship.

Paging Captain Obvious.

Legit shocked I’m not in a coach state.

Alien Resurrec-wait.

Like, all of them at once?

turning into

When I was in Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado nearly every animal we saw came up begging for food. Ground squirrels, ducks, elk...

Um a five-year-old is a child, not an infant, derisive snort.

This is like a less horrifying version of those well-meaning morons in Florida last year who threw tortoises into the ocean because they thought they belonged there.

Yeah, there’s way more distinctive and eye-catching ways to make shoes based on traditional African design motifs than just slapping some fur on a generic-looking heel.

That would be amazing.

Just the other day I was walking outside and a bee collided with my face, so I think it’s pretty safe to say that-no, wait, actually I think that was a yellowjacket nevermind.

I did great in my high school astronomy class, but I suspect part of that may have had to do with the fact that the teacher was a fucking idiot who thought the northern and southern lights were both called aurora borealis and that the pyramids of Giza were built by Christian slaves.

I generally try not to celebrate anyone’s death, but...I’m finding it rather difficult to feel bad about this.

One of my mom’s cats likes to get up on your chest and knead bread right on your throat. Cute, but got old very quickly. (She’d also like to sit on the back of my chair, rest her forepaws on my shoulder, and purr in my ear.)

Cat pictures? DON’T MIND IF I DO.

Thank you.