Johnson then concluded his remarks by stating that “it sure is a zip-a-dee-doo-dah day!”

Her policies are his policies...but with clearly stated and practical implementation plans.

Please make it someone white, like Nick Jonas, and watch the miscegenationists’ heads explode. Then point out they’re apparently already fine with a fish person and a human person hooking up, so what’s the big deal?

BUT IT’S HIS TURN!

Everyone sing along:

Where’s the simulated oil leak reserve tank?

Because life since 2017 is actually an episode of Tales from the Crypt, I’m hoping the American who commissioned this unwittingly hired the descendant of a Slovenian witch who was wronged by Melania’s family some time in the past and swore a blood revenge. The patron’s ominous instructions were something like “I want…

As former resident of Chicago, I have just one question:

I’m going to share my super-secret barbecue sauce recipe with you. Partially because I’m in a giving mood, and partially because I’m about 3/4 of the way through making it and I’m more than a little drunk.

Let me just say

Ah, the good ol’ days of MTV.

From the rumors about Trump, I’m betting “his show of a lifetime” will be a couple of hours of lies bragging about how great he is, followed by a couple minutes of actual fireworks and then an extensive cleanup.

Then he’ll stick us with the check.

I guess I’d be giving Portland PD too much benefit of the doubt if I said they would know quick-drying cement doesn’t work like it does in Roadrunner cartoons.

You could pretty much just replace Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump with Ivanka.

Keep away from the mango.