I know 3 people who watch beauty pageants: 1 gay man and 2 women over 60.

What a wonderful thing to happen to young white women in America!

I don’t think it’s such a big deal to fight someone larger than you. For one thing, a lot of larger guys have always intimidated others so they’ve never really been hit hard. Pop a big guy in the nose and see how he reacts to the sight of his own blood. If all else fails, hit him hard in the throat. Really hard.

A terrifying glimpse into the future of human growth hormones.

My first thoughts when I see someone singing to a captive audience on a subway train:

I have a simple solution: Headphones. Or this.

BA-ZINGA!

Im a man. This has never happened to me.

Ive literally never had this problem. Remarkable. I wonder what it is like to be so lame. Hope I never have to find out.

Thank God some of us men dont have this ridiculous problem. Ever.

Fish tacos on the menu

These 3 gay guys say they don’t always come during sex. They fake when necessary. Five the six straight guys say they’ve faked it, too. I’ve faked it plenty of times. Faking sex while wearing a condom is almost literally the easiest thing in the world. Faking it without a condom takes a bit of prep to do convincingly,…

most women are just, with all due respect, baaaad at giving head.

Yeah, that sounds absurd. Even when I was a horny 16-year-old, I took longer than that. From oral, it has taken a lot longer than that. And that only happened a few times. I haven’t not climaxed from oral sex in many years and, for a long time, have discouraged women from trying it on me. Fortunately, my wife got the…

I’ve never heard of this Mr Kerner person, but this is pretty much my exact technique. I’ve used it for over 15 years and it is generally very well received.

Anyone, apart from a licensed physician, who puts a finger in my backside, better be prepared to receive a skull-rattling forearm shiver to the side of the head. And as for the physician, he better give me some serious warning.

A group of nine guys, myself included, went to a baseball game this past weekend. 6 of us, including me, are straight, 3 are gay. After the game we went to a bar, which is great for me because I don’t drink. Also, it was a gay bar because we went to a straight bar last time. [Is straight bar a real thing? Anyway, it…

Add a goatee and a few pounds and you’ve got him.

If this dude played on the Cowboys in the 1990s he’d be a team captain by now.