So what do I do if this is my sober morning ritual?

I have a hard time believing that any assistant would think that saying, “You’re too fat to have a custom dress” would “cushion the blow” in this scenario in any way.

This is so viscerally frightening on every level. Stalking her from a random sighting, stranger abduction from her own home, murdering her entire family to get to her, and then extended captivity. Fucking christ. I’m so glad that the people Jayme ran to for help are decent people.

How pedantic. Both the Wetterling and Closs abductions dominated the news cycle on a near daily basis when they happened in the Minneapolis/St. Paul (where I live) news market as that is the nearest major metropolitan area to both abductions. 

College athletes have considerably less room to protest than professional athletes.

But I bet being alone with a salad is the only time she laughs.

i didn’t think this story could get worse but now you’re telling me he offered for the women (of course) to make salads (of course). 

And the restaurant in the hotel....that he owns....up the street?  But hey....black guys love McDonald’s....right?

That has to be an NCAA violation. 

Was that not clear?

The internet in general and Kinja in particular have very strong views on the order of the Best Chrises. It is a thing that is known. So I can’t even fathom what it would feel like to get engaged to the universally acknowledged Worst Chris, who is Worst Chris by a substantial margin.

I don’t think the Secret Service is going to like you suggesting that I throw my old clothes and books at Trump.

If I got rid of everything in my life that doesnt “bring me joy” id be sitting naked in an empty apartment with my cat and a 12 pack.

I know! And not everyone has a cousin Kevin. Like does this “journalist” think that we all just go around talking to “cousin Kevins”? WTF! The Kevin I’m related to is my uncle, not my cousin, and uncle Kevin is a farmer, not an accountant. Some people aren’t even related to a Kevin at all. Some people don’t even have…

This is a huge reach. For many families (mine included, and we are by no means religious) ham is something you eat around Christmastime. The sentence is constructed more to set up a stereotypical Christmas experience rather than send up the dietary preferences of them.

No. You don’t share your boyfriend’s dick pics with your friends. I don't care how close friends you are, you just don't. That's weird on so many levels.

Buried the lede & missed the point by a mile. This is NOT about Bezos’s excruciatingly-sweet love texts— this is about Donald Trump using his National Enquirer to publicly embarrass his financial nemesis.

So are these technically “Dirty Sanchez” texts?

There are lots of things to criticize Bezos for, but not being into meeting up with his birth dad is not one of them. Not everyone who was adopted wants to know the person who gave them up, and it’s their right to draw those boundaries.

“Alexa, please play with my balls.”