bye

OMG THAT HORSE IS WEARING VELCRO SNEAKERS.

I just read the suggestions in Stefon’s voice. They sound like they could be the next hottest club. 

I’m still a fan of Helen Hunt!

OMG the real meeting versus the fake meeting. This shit happened to me all the time on Capitol Hill.

I disagree.  Not everyone wants their families dirty laundry laid out in public, especially when they have children.

(Do not slap gentle zoo animals either.)

This makes my blood boil. Here’s a nice, calming antidote:

I kind of wish Mara had taken a  bite out of crime

For real, hippos will fuck you up on a good day.  Do not slap them.

No, what you’re/we’re feeling is actually rational anger.

Sparks brings back memories of going to Daytona to party, sitting in the backseat drinking them. Or the time my friend and I decided “well we loves Sparks and we love vodka bombs - why not Sparks bombs??” (It turns out there were lots of reasons to not make sparks bombs.)

Just take cocaine and drink vodka like a normal person. 

Sparks was the superior death drink. For special occasions (Wednesdays) the other robots and I used to mix 4 cans of orange Sparks, a bottle of Andre champagne and a fifth of citrus vodka in a bowl and drink it like punch. Real classy shit.

Wait. I thought method acting was just an excuse to act like a raging, belligerent asshole to all your costars and film crew and to beg for everyone else to think you’re so deep and edgy, especially during awards season.

Many years ago, a wise woman warned us that Brad Pitt was missing a sensitivity chip....

When did Jim Irsay become CEO of NASCAR?

#neverforget

One of the boring Very Cavallari cast members is pregnant.

It depends on the contract. Usually there is a special rider attached to contracts specifying what type of nudity is required. If memory serves Lost was not an overtly salacious show. She’s still a human being entitled to her rights. Don’t be gross and condescending.