I should add, I love my dear sweet Doofus, but he is a doof. There definitely aren’t high-level cognitive processes going on in his sweet, walnut-sized brain. We’re basically lucky he doesn’t eat his own poop, he’s so dumb. 

Cats are extremely telepathic.

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I am also still mad about this unjust win.

Whenever I feel stressed, I shall gaze upon these photos and absorb their soothing powers. I want a candle that smells like these pictures (linen, sea air, a hint of vanilla...).

NEVER EVER THREATEN MASCARA AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE THIRTY-FOUR YEAR OLD MOMS ARE NOT ONES WITH THE MONEY OR TIME FOR EXPENSIVE LASH TREATMENTS. BE CAUTIOUS!

That is why I am a lazy river kind of person.

A cat’s hate transcends death. It is known.

I’m a bit baffled myself, but it’s true. Mind you, he’s scared of normal ‘scary’ stuff, vampires, zombies (we can’t flush the upstairs toilet until he’s asleep because it’ll ‘wake up the zombies’), going into a dark room alone, etc.

But Godzilla? No fear at all. He’s even said when he grows up he wants to be a…

First Godzilla movie:

I’m so tempted to omit one word from that sentence.

36 million dollars worth? So like, 4 trench coats, 3 scarves, and a pair of socks?

Excuse me, I’m a meth artisan.

Object lesson:

One of the greatest singers of our lifetime and Taylor Swift

Also, don’t walk around with a large metal pole during a lightning storm.

Over my soon to be dead body

the little wizened carrots represent Charles’ cock

Probably just the ghost of an unvaccinated child.