I’m inspired to dress as my best friend the next time I go to visit her.

The only way this should have gotten rebooted is if this is all just a hoax, and when you finally go in to the theaters, Tom Cruise discovers the mummy is actually Brendan Fraiser, and then when Tom Cruise asks him how he got there, he says “Let me explain,” and then the 1999 film starts playing, and you watch that…

... I didn’t give you crap about Batman vs Superman. Man of Steel was not that bad, damnit.

On a scale of Man of Steel bad to Suicide Squad bad, how many Martha’s bad is it?

I like the fact that she went on two dates with Greg, yet she knows that he wouldn’t have wanted her to dwell on this. Greg, in just two dates, conveyed enough of his espoused philosophies on life to know that he’s more of a “let go of the past” kind of guy.

HE LITERALLY GHOSTED HER!

OK this needs to stop, this is as bloody self-involved as some twat putting their breakfast on Instagram. People, stop being journalists of your life and live it.

1. Would you leave me alone?

• my dog
  

My mother is an avid reader. She’s probably forgotten more books than I’ve ever read, even though she passed her love of reading on to me.

To be fair, Keanu then proceeds to kill off pretty much the entire Russian mob because one of them killed his dog. Which is what any of us would do in the same situation.

Probably why they crashed.

David Sedaris tells a story about his sister and her, what he considers, sometimes illogical love of animals, that if she sees a bad car accident on the highway, her first concern is, “did they have a dog, is the dog okay”.

I also have a lab so I was like NOPE NOT SEEING IT UNTIL SOMEONE TELLS ME IF HE MAKES IT BECAUSE I WILL LOSE MY SHIT IN THE THEATRE

I will never watch a certain popular action movie starring Keanu Reeves because of this.

I don’t think this is a spoiler since it affects whether people will see it. if you think it is don’t read any further:

Same. The dog is my main concern.

You priorities are in order.

Does the dog make it?

To be fair, if my plane crashes and the only survivors are me and Idris Elba then I’m totally going to try to fuck him. Hell, I might try to fuck Kate Winslet too...I mean, if I’m probably going to die anyway then at least I’ll die having ticked that of my “to-do” list.