I think an intrapenile ultrasound might be in order, too, just so the patient can “make a fully informed decision.”

My right hand will to write a note, as soon as it stops crying.

Valerie Plame.

#ShowernotaGrower

If you don’t rebuke Satan first, how can you tell that your clock isn’t working on behalf of the trickster?

I loved XCOM: EU. My only gripe with it was that you couldn’t shoot at things that weren’t enemies, in order to strategically detonate vehicles, but had to rely on random misses. That’s a very small gripe, and EU was very nearly a perfect game in my opinion.

Time’s almost up. I’m also voting scrotum torture.

And Four Christmases.

Is she the one who makes you eat human flesh in order for her to become your follower?

All the Kotaku writers get assigned different beats to follow. I think sex in video games is one of hers.

I always pick Nord. %50 resistance to frost is a big plus in Skyrim.

Add Jeremy Piven and you have the world’s most revolting three-way.

See? I’m just as big a moron as my brother! Vote for me! Jeb! Vote for the moron you need, not the moron you want.

Look for this on Kenny Florian’s next ESPN segment.

There was a comedian who did a bit on “old sperm” babies. “They’re the kids, you know, who are sitting off to the side, quietly coughing into a handkerchief, and pulling the collar on their cardigan shut against the wind, while all the normal kids run and play.”

No Best Picture winner will ever be worse than Slumdog Millionaire.

Homer: Aww. I’m the only one who didn’t win an award.

Or the recent episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. Obama was about a dozen times funnier than Seinfeld.

At least his name isn’t Jerk Sock.

2016 is sure out to prove that it can suck worse than 2015.