Should His Majesty ever insist I draw him baths, we are liable to die from laughter at his funny little joke before we ever get any further. If he thinks it's actually a seriously good idea, then I will start demanding he do ludicrously simple things for me constantly, like trim my toenails and move my pillows around…

"My wife is at home taking notes!"

if I wanted someone to feed, bathe, and cater to constantly, I would have a baby BY MYSELF LIKE A FEMINAZi LESBIAN SHITASS.

I resolve that if I ever come home and find my spouse watching FOX and it does not involve taking a shot every time a commentator says something stupid I'm leaving him.

And apparently the best way to be interesting is to make your life revolve around your man. That's some quality advice right there. I have no idea how I've managed to survive without it all these years.

"Travelers are advised exercise caution, while america may appear to be a civilized, first world nation, it is in fact a 3rd world shithole in a very expensive suit."

Updated tips from Fox News

Hey Fox!

"it takes a lot to hold [men's] attention, and men tend to lose interest in romantic partners when they stop being, well... interesting."

yea dudes....nope

This article has inspired me to make a resolution to eat pancakes tomorrow. Thanks, Mark.

I've spent the last two days in the health and human services department qualifying for expedited medicaid and food stamps. I'm really looking forward to 2015 because 2014 has sucked an enormous fuck. Yay 2015!

I expected to go out, but I moved 45 mins from all my friends a few months ago, and I just do not feel like driving all that way out there to hang out for a few hours. Not to mention that if I'm driving, I'm not going to drink, and there's no public transportation out this way, so...I'm staying in. I already had the…

I'm setting damn boundaries with my narcissistic mom and texting instead of calling tonight. Enough is enough. 2015 is the year of low contact (very low) with narc Mom! Woohoo!

They tweet? Awhhhh, they think they're people!

catholic pro-life orgs are already tweeting at me noOooO

Shut it down everyone, give this woman a standing ovation, and let's donate (if you can) to her cause!

"Do you know what marrying means?" Nephew: "Yes, to always dance together."

What possible reason could a young mother with multiple children have for carrying a loaded firearm on a shopping trip to Wal-Mart?! Wal-Mart is a threat to the economy but guns aren't going to do shit to stop that.

Oh, is that SO, Mark "Rosebud" Shrayber??