Between his stint with the Falcons and now the Cardinals, I think it's clear his time in the NFL has left him bird-brained.

Sounds about right for Ditka. For non-Illinoisans, here's the terrible ad for Bruce Rauner (currently running for Governor here in IL so he can fulfill his magical promises of cutting taxes and increasing services for his cronies) with Ditka that ran during the Bears game. See if you can figure out which of these…

Oh no... now he only has enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life and not enough to open a bunch of shitty steak houses

Excellent call, I totally forgot Guy Gardner

This is not fair at all. Unfortunately, I can't declare bankruptcy after purchasing a ridiculous amount of alcohol, because I did it with money from student loans.

This story is terrifying, and it really makes you question how effective team doctors actually are on the sidelines.

Smart move by the White Sox to evacuate the outfield every time Abreu's up.

Sure, laugh it up. That'll just make it all the sweeter when these guys get their reward* in Heaven**.

* Offer available only with coupon
** at participating Golden Corral locations only

Perhaps Derek's heart is in the right place, and he seems genuinely concerned for the well-being of those under his razor-thin blanket of responsibility, but his attempt is misguided. Truth is, I kind of feel bad for the guy. He's currently a student at a university playing for a national title, and the most he can…

Don't get as drunk on cheap beer as I am on my own power.

I'm dead inside,

and that was just Josh Hamilton.

Guess that they will have to retire the "Who Ya Crappin'?" segment

the minus is due to the fact that the paper was supposed to be about the Outkast song.

After digesting that $5 foot long, this still remains the second worst Subway accident I've ever been witness to.

Ugh, you beat my Derrick Rose joke by 6 minutes. I like yours better, anyway.

The Lakers suck, and Bryant doesn't have time to wait out a true rebuild, and the Busses will indulge him,

As a BU alum I can say that the only time fans storm the court is after a big win over a non-conference opponent and by "fans" I mean "hockey players" and by "court" I mean "freshmen girls' dorm" and by "non-conference opponent" I mean "sexual assault."

I can't even count how many times I've been called a 'dumb nigger'.