Holy shit! A headline, a picture, and more than six words?! You've outdone yourself this day, take the rest of the week off.

Jokes on you: Trump doesn't eat peaches, because they're fruit.

1. Find a woodchipper.

So which one has to move out?

I wanna see Tracy Ullman as Dame Judi as Samantha. Really get weird with it.

Just recast Sarah Chalke as Samantha.

Baby Shark by Pinkfong. So you'll be relieved when they shoot you.

Nope. She’s subtweeting all this right now. Earnest as a prom night virgin.

In the extremely unlikely event that he suffers even the mildest consequence for his sexual assault of a minor, it will only concern over optics that prompts action. None of these people give the slightest shit about the actual victim.

It's like you've never heard of the US military.

For an extra tenner you can have a nosy chambermaid tell your darkest personal secrets to a judgmental old dowager countess.

WebMD isn't some secret that only you know about, ya salty asscrack.

Toilets are secured by two bolts and a water line. You can remove one in about 90 seconds if you're not too worried about making a mess. Although if it was actually solid gold, that thing would have to weigh a few hundred pounds.

I liked him better as a rapper.

You see whatcha do is you get you a half dozen or so possums, the angrier the better, and you trap them under an overturned kiddie pool with an unopened box of Pop tarts. When the screeching stops, you reach in and grab the survivor and strap him on top of a Labrador and set them to chasing a prize bantam rooster.…

Honestly, good for Barron. Better no father than a narcissistic shitbag. 

I commend the innovators and disruptors whose first instinct to dealing with social ills is to profit off of them.

And bulk fuel specialists who never left the wire.

This is almost as effective as thoughts and prayers. Might as well ask a tree to dance.

Hopefully the poor soul can finally feel his face.