“How are you?”

It’s psychotic that rational secular humanism isn’t afforded the same protections in our society as belief systems based on a variety of bearded sky-douches.

They don’t go outside and they only drink Coors.

They’ve been relocated to the boiler room. We just need more office space.

I don’t know man. You hear a story like this and you just have to wonder how these burglars could be so gripped by that much economic anxiety.

To be fair, they were playing without Rose.

Is this the first in the new Deadspin series Whose Disgusting Congress Chin Is This? 

Good Gravy. Where?!?!

I’m pretty sure Hillary Clinton really exists; that might be enough.

I’d be OK with banning trilbys.

The world is truly upside down when the servant is spoon-fed a yam.

Let the kid wear the dinosaur shoes outside FFS. You just said life is too short.

I’m down, and if he and Colin Powell want to spend the interim 4 years doing a reality show where they race cars all across the USA, meeting constituents and solving the occasional crime, I’m down with that, too.

Jim Tomsula would shake his head at this story. There are at least fifteen ways he could have made it home without spending money or breaking the law.

I just bought a pink shirt, and lemme tell you, I never noticed how bright your eyes were before.

No, Giri, I’m not. These fucking rallies stopped being entertaining when he actually got elected.

Emily Youcis does it with a hood on her head, Get Whip Crackin.

It did seem a little odd that he didn’t at least have the sense to jump out of his car and furiously sweep the path with his curling broom.

No, “...can learn to speak French.” Why you gotta stereotype, bro?

Any word on whether he’s going to stay on as his own barber?