Aaaannndd now I want a White House buttplug.

I know her back story is tragic, her opinions are trash, and all of this is just generally horrible, but:

As a Falcons fan I am quite heartened by this, given our team’s quarterbacks’ histories with dogs.

Procession of Palpable Penis Envy

Well, what do you reckon his breath smells like? I think formaldehyde, well-done steak & ketchup, and haterade.

Fun with words: you can replace every non-pronoun noun in this comment with ‘hands’ and it still works!

...And shriveled, plum-sized hands.

He Dent get it.

Gotta be UT’s most vaguely-sexual-yet-appropriate-for-team-branding name since former placekicker Dusty Magnum.

I like the way you watch TV.

I did not know they were dating. Nor do I know who they are, nor even which is a Billie and which is a Taylor.

Based on my life experience, I reckon she probably just passed out in the gin and tonic she spilled and didn’t notice the dried-up lime slice stuck to her face when she woke up.

Ok but Tremors 5: Bloodlines came out only two years ago!

I’m very disappointed that no one has made a bi-polar bear joke, so I’ll just go ahead:

I live right next to a movie theater that does a $5 special on my weekend and weed is legal in my state. I will probably see this in the theater more than once, a fact that I will only ever admit to anyone via an anonymous kinja account.

I recieved this as my secret santa gift this year.

If we’re gonna use it for the man himself, I say we make it Li’l Meat Mittens. Let’s make this a Thing.

Of course there are teeny tiny cameras. Only kind of cameras his little meat mittens can operate!

If only...