I bet SpongeBob has better sexual chemistry with Dakota Johnson.

Lies? Fuck you. I will absolutely not let Ferguson go, nor should any of us. What happened there — both the murder, and the psychotically unhinged police reaction in the weeks and months that followed — was unconscionable.

I would ask that you not refer to Gaa as a fuckwaffle. Neither fucking nor waffles should be associated with Gaa. Neither fucking nor waffles did anything to hurt you so please do not hurt them.

Off topic, kinda. I used to work in a lab drawing blood. It was summer and the AC wasn't working properly. We were all slightly crabby and drenched in sweat. One day this fellow comes in and as I'm wrapping the elastic band around his are, I comment on his name—Robert E. Lee. He must have assumed my accent made me a…

Definitely wouldn't. My level of give a fuck about that would be hovering somewhere near .1 and it would only be that high because holy shit Sex and the City sucked so hard and I was hoping we were finally done hearing about it.

I would prefer you leave my mother out of this (we have her medications squared away now.)

OH MY GOD
What if your tongue had two little pink arms with little hands... And they would like help move the food around in your mouth and they could massage your gums... And assist in blowjobs... Afterwards it would shake its little hands for a job well done and then they'd get to work picking any pubic hair out of…

Well now I'm really disappointed that their "oven-baked sandwiches" aren't called SUBS.

You know, I'm honestly not surprised. None of us should be.

I eat pizza with a fork.

COME AT ME BRO

It looks like a sunburned penis wrapped in a deep-fried vulva.

this one time i allowed my little cousins to just go ham on my legs with nailpolish, not really thinking about it

He has had dual American/Canadian citizenship all his life actually, but either way he is perfectly entitled to criticize the film all he wants.

I'm sure this will Qwell all the drama.

Agreeing with Russell Brand.

Thank you, Russell.

pinot grigio is my go to in general. but i like salty dogs, too! which is grapefruit juice and vodka with a salted rim. i think i will get some vodka bc i got my mom a citrus juicer and we have grapefruits at home.

Can Dick Cavett get a show again?

You know what really makes you feel old? Being too old to have liked something when it came out 15 years ago.