I use every tool at my disposal.

As a very mediocre white man, can I get some of that confidence too? Because it’s been a long time since I believed in myself.

Don’t bother with the dishwasher cleaner. Vinegar does the same thing. Put a cup of vinegar in the top rack and run a cycle.

When I was 10 I took the city bus home from the shopping center on a bright, sunny day in late August. As usual the bus was super crowded so I wasn’t sitting which was fine with me because I like to stand. Suddenly, I faintly smelled these wonderful scents : a perfume and aftershave as a couple passed behind me. The…

There’s no way Fresh Choice isn’t the name of the section with the sad prepackaged wraps inside a gas station.

Seriously *all* celebrities are thirsty. (As are all humans - it’s human nature).

It’s really just a silly meme to dehumanize people for showing enthusiasm about anything - (started by the “dead inside” demographic).

Lol. I’m so gonna steal “freedom units.”

I’m a scientist, so I constantly have to convert back and forth between the metric system and freedom units.

So, wait, in this analogy Disney is the state? That buys children from their negligent parents?

Yes, but George, when you ruin your children, sometimes the state has to take them away from you for their own welfare.

what ever is on clearance in TJMaxx.

I think we should get Geraldo Rivera to televise, live, the opening. (Only the olds here will get this reference.)

My money’s on a strangely light-skinned, white-haired mummy.

We find out it’s filled with grain and Ben Carson lets out a long, soporific, chuckle.

In fairness they tried to arrest Bruce but he was nowhere to be found.

I would also submit that Pinkham was the hero we deserve.

Monogrammed microwaves.

Maybe if we’re lucky, next year will see Kara in front of the Shade Court backdrop, captioned

She proceeds to explain to him that only a hamburger contains meat, and that a cheeseburger is vegetarian. She says she knows this because she has been to McDonald’s in London literally *hundreds* of times in the last few years, and that a cheeseburger is always vegetarian when she orders one!