Spencer, you goddamn liar. M&Ms only melt in your mouth. Either you shit yourself, or that analingus you forgot about was off the hook.

Halloween 2005: Freshman year of college, I made a road trip to Ohio University to visit a girl I knew from summer camp. Wearing a hand-made Quailman costume (complete with underwear over shorts and a belt around my head), I made the wise decision to funnel about half a solo cup of 151 a "the hockey house" and then…

OK, this is truly disturbing. From the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

Those appear to be yearbook photos rather than mug shots, so who knows what the victim actually pulled off. Mr. Ford has definitely been hit in the face by something though, even if it is only the ugly stick.

"You soft motherfucker. Bitch ass nigga."

The Football Gods Chortled: Jets quarterback Michael Vick was flagged for taunting — with the Jets trailing 21-7. One does not thump one's chest whilst losing! The football gods punished Vick by causing him to lose a fumble two snaps later.

1. Arnold Palmer

Ballark is just a little off. There's definitely a history of iconic Jets players being haunted by spirits.

How can you put beets in the 'tastes bad' category? Beets are delicious! I can understand if you're only talking about canned, pickled beets like you'd find at a salad bar, but fresh beets (as pictured) are sweet and earthy and delicious, either roasted or steamed.

You spelled "Starting Geno Smith" wrong in the headline.

JETS RECEIVING COACH: I know on your old team they may have done things differently, but here on the Jets, we have something called the One Drop Rule.

The teammates may have a point. If Wilson were blacker, he wouldn't have won the Super Bowl.

I've seen substitutes go much further. Kirk Cousins actually fucked his team.

"'What if the PGA made the Birdie Juice Rule a mandatory thing on tour?" Wait, this isn't a thing?'

-John Daly

Matt Flynn: Pick me up dude!

The real highlight is the red boxer being pulled out of the ring by one foot.

The funny thing is this game should have had me cursing at the TV for 95% of the game and jumping for joy at the end, but I've watched so much shitty football I'm numb to it. Bills will probably eek out a shitty win vs. the Jets and get to 5-3 and everyone will be talking playoffs and we end up 7-9 at best. I've seen…

Wow, Joe Buck is awful.

Looks like now they play for Derriere City!!!

I went out to a Mexican restaurant with my then girlfriend. About 5 minutes after we finish eating I start getting that getting that bloated feeling and suddenly my esophagus seemed shorter. I told my girlfriend we had to go, and we paid and left. I figured if we could get home I would be fine, and I rolled down the…