I swear to GOD if I ever found out my (actual) son had done something like this his life wouldn't be worth living for about two years.

I grew a beard because razors were too expensive and I am lazy. Am I a lumbersexual? Y/N

WHICH OF YOU BITCHES STOLE MY FUCKING JOY?!?!?

Temptation to start "Help Diplo's Micropenis" gofundme page rising. Rising. RISING.

I love Trebek so much. He's the shadiest. (Wait, are we misusing this? I think it's shade, he never actually says anything rude. Paging Kara Brown.) I don't even know why they go through the charade of the quirky personal anecdotes, because it's so transparent that he just. does. not. care.

It's there for me, so when I finally get through the audition process I can crush that and the science questions. My beef is how many American history questions Jeopardy does. I basically only learned about Jacques Cartier and the battle of Ypres in school so I'm out of room for that kind of stuff, and it's throwing…

I suspect that feeling smart about a pop starlet is probably on par with knowing who was the 5oth seed in tennis in 1956.

chelsea, it would've been so great if you left a piece of toilet paper dangling out of your crack.

I just don't think it's as simple as that. Millions of dogs and cats (and rabbits and horses and others) enter the shelter system every year; should they only be adopted out to families with "up to thousands if not tens of thousands" of dollars in reserve? Should a prospective adopter pass by an animal on the…

Of course, that would result in most pets never being adopted in the first place, and a whole lot of younger and healthier animals getting euthanized as a result.

From my point of view - better that I adopted my cat from the county shelter and gave him several years of a happy and healthy life. If I can't afford…

I physically cannot watch that video. I might die.

Omfg now I kind of want to get a cat just so I can name it Burlap.

I saw her live and she was amazing and outrageous and fearless and so fucking awkward it was DELICIOUS. If you ever get the chance, go see her.

I don't even know why, but I love The Rock. Maybe it's because WWE commercials played every 15 minutes during cartoons when I was kid. He just seems like a nice dude.

Tig Notaro - Live is now on Spotify. Go listen to it. It is free. It is one of the best sets ever performed. Stop reading this comment and go listen to it. If you got this far, you fucked up. Seriously, why are you still reading this?

I come to Jezebel because it is a good place for u kno what.

this is absurd. If they wanted to be realistic, they'd have the politician responding to the girl's text with a dick pic.

"he killed Tiller, 67, to stop abortions..."

She called an ambulance? Jesus, shouldn't that right there be pretty overwhelming evidence of her innocence? You don't call 911 right after a premeditated murder...