This attack is only a Prelude to worse crime to come.

I really feel for DeMarcus Cousins. The Sacramento media can be vultures. I’m hoping the Kings can move him to a friendlier atmosphere like New York or Boston.

This is one of those times the Internet is the best.

I kinda wanted to hear the Undertaker’s bell and see her stand right up in the aisle.

We go to Vin Scully for the play-by-play:

If it wasn’t for LeBron and Tiger losing their wars with Male Pattern Baldness, I might’ve wasted a large percentage of my meager salary engaging in my own war. If those guys can’t win, I’ll just throw up the white flag and shave my head.

Hopefully the front air dam will keep hapless bystanders from getting caught underneath the car during the inevitable attack.

Steve Wojciechowski has a kid in high school now? Damn, I feel old.

You can if you’re the Dodgers who have starter depth, plus the resources and prospects to bolster the staff if needed.

+∞

An Asian woman as Secretary of Transportation? See, the Glass Ceiling has been broken!

My drug dealers and hookers make me pay up front. Dude has to pay his bills though because his vice credit score is going to take a massive hit.

This made my day. +∞

Honestly, I thought people would stop coming at LeBron after he finally brought Cleveland that elusive championship. People are the worst.

I wonder who would be dispatched to go searching for the Barnacle’d vehicle on the move? The police? Parking enforcement?

I like your style.

Ron Nick, you fucking cockblocking, good-for-nothing son. I hope his dad writes him out of the will.

That’ll show him!

You handled this superbly. There’s hope for the Internet yet.

It’s too bad Jerry Jones won’t live long enough to be the real-life Man in Black in Westworld.