Kansan here: I was worried about this with my pregnancy and when I discussed it with my doctor, he said he understood our position and would do what my husband and I wished. I cannot tell you the comfort it brought me. Now, had it actually come to that I’m not sure what would have happened but thankfully it was a…

If you’re at KU Med, you’d be fine.

Ah, but a good woman would rather die. You just aren’t good. Kansas is here to help with that.

For real.

Headphones girl, HEADPHONES!

When I was in cosmetology school, the owner of the school did a makeup demo. She was a person who knew how to do that Kardashian thing years ago.

I’m going to start playing it when I get ready in the mornings.

Because Being a Hot Girl = Good. Thinking You Are a Hot Girl = Bad. I mean, come on, ladies, what’s so confusing about that? It’s a simple rule!

It always comes with those sides. They are standard. No substitutions.

“You’re So Beautiful Just Like U R (As Long As You’re Conventionally Beautiful)”

I once had a boyfriend who, while holding a container of metallic gold eyeshadow, said in all seriousness, “So... this is eye shadow. It must go under your eyes, right?” As if it was some mysterious new term that he had to figure out.

“Wear it when you sleep and swim!”

As always, Teh Amy skewers the heart of the matter. That is absolutely the subtext of every one of those goddamn songs....

WAKE UP AN HOUR EARLIER, SO YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF GIRLIER!

make up or no makeup, amy schumer, be my friend

Dying. This is too great. I also love the “natural looking makeup!” line. A dude at work once told me he didn't think I was wearing any makeup. Um: foundation, powder, eyeshadow, subtle eyeliner, mascara. He might just be an idiot though.

ARGLE BARGLE I CANNOT WAIT TO LISTEN TO THIS BUT IN A SECOND I WILL HAVE SOMEONE ELSE IN MY OFFICE BLARGGGGGG

Wait, what? Clarissa Explains It All? Of all things...

so Go Ask Your Mother. hehehehehe