Can’t wait to be so old and famous that there’s a headline to announce that I’m not dead.

How is it that British dudes are mostly all just super generic white guys, yet I can always spot that they’re British?

It depends on what you want to say with your haircut though—one’s focus isn’t always to sexually attract. For example, sometimes women need the power-bob cut, other times the politician’s-wife cut...or sometimes even the fuck-you cut. I had a colleague whose abundantly sexy hair was her best feature. She’s been kind…

If you hadn’t bashed velcro, I would have have given you two dollars.

I thought I didn’t understand art but this post has confirmed I don’t.

Didn’t order enough potatoes.

I really want a job as an influencer. I recommend fruit flavored seltzer water, mixed breed dogs, never wearing shoes with Velcro, and Fun Dip Lik-a-Stix. Does anyone feel influenced? Give me a dollar.

Clearly United’s PR guy quickly found new work.

Have you ever been in the English countryside in the fall? They stuff their churches with produce and hay. I think they never really converted and are really druids still.

Thomas D. Homan. Thomas Dee Ho-man. Thomas The Human.

Cupcakes trying to be cool as ice:

The only people I know who think it is unrealistic are men.

I still hold out hope that Chris Pratt’s character will ultimately be revealed to be the grown-up version of the kid that Alan Grant scared the piss out of at the start of the first movie.

that Donald Trump... isn’t actually very good at negotiating?

At least it didn’t ruin his hair.

This is so British. Americans would get all butt-hurt but they are like HAHAHAHA gewd shew old chep!

No. People can’t not do illegal drugs. And having an unpopular opinion doesn’t automatically make you some ultra-rational speaker of plain truths. Sometimes opinions are unpopular because their fucking stupid, and holding them just makes you a naive idiot. 

Is it ok if I make generalities on appearances here? Because this is exactly how I would expect a 50 year old guy who kidnaps his teenage student to look.

Ugh, Margaret fucking Mitchell.