Hey Marty, how did the real 2015 compare to your alternate future?

You’re close:

I’ve been active duty military for ten years (not the Marines). This was an incredibly depressing story to see break today, but what actually gives me some hope is the strong, emphatic push back online from some male Marines that this is not who the Corps should be. People with real influence are starting to speak out…

Obviously you’ve never visited Chuck E. Cheese’s corporate headquarters.

It’s a sin if you’re doing it right.

But please remember that abortion is the true sin.

Look, I love Friar James, I think he is an truly good person and an exemplary Christian. And to be clear, I have never seen him say that he thinks abortion should be made illegal, although I have seen him express support for the “March for Life” and similar organizations.

I think Duane Johnson’s introduction of Lin-Manuel Miranda shows that he should host.

Man, i hated rotary phones. You had to start all the way from the beginning if you made a mistake and didn’t dial the reich number.

Couldn’t be him. You can’t tweet on it.

Disappointed and also surprised when he discovered that plants were a) alive and b) part of the course.

That’s a good way to put it. It would be like a park for creatures from the Jurassic period. Will need to come up with a catchy name to convey that.

Nah it’ll be totally fine. We’ll put them on a tropical island where they can’t escape. Not that it matters because what, the raptor is going to figure out how to open a door? I don’t think so. Maybe we could even generate some revenue for research to bring back other dinosaurs by letting people pay to come check out…

By doing this these scientists are taking away jobs from legal elephants.

I think the only reasonable solution is some kind of no-holds-barred battle royale to the death with the trainers and staff. Just put all 11 orcas and all the people in the pool until only one person or whale is left, then they are king of Sea World.

Obit: Esther never married although many a man attempted to court the wealthy woman. When asked to indulge these men she stated, “I ain’t talkin to you broke bitches, I got money now.”

NYX Gotcha Covered waterproof concealer is the best thing going. It covers, it blends like lotion, it never sinks into lines and it’s six dollars a tube. Want to bake your face? This shit. Want to cover a bullet wound? This shit. Want to highlight? Get a lighter shade of this shit. Want to make your eyebrows pop? Grab…

NYX Gotcha Covered waterproof concealer is the best thing going. It covers, it blends like lotion, it never sinks…

I recently read Titus Andronicus for a class and the name was just too similar to Titus Andromedon and I kept picturing this Titus as Shakespeare Titus so overall great experience reading that play 10/10 would recommend reading it this way.

Jesus Christ. One tiny upshot to this whole national embarrassment is that I now know, without a doubt, that I am not nearly as socially awkward and embarrassing as I thought I was.

Cultural etiquette 101: