“If you throw that fastball as straight as an arrow and lay it right over the middle of the plate, your liable to watch it fly all the way out of the ballpark.”

Yeah! Fuck Science!

Third eye open, well done.

Who are you, my second ex-wife?

For those of you who don’t know, the perceived speed stat is obtained by performing a postgame colorimetry analysis on the back of the hitter’s pants.

Sorry about the hat - we all learn from our mistakes.

Who are you, my ex-wife?

It’s a joke dumbass

Funny how no one who went to Harvard ever talks about their alma mater

This guy is the epitome of Joga Bonito. Look at the smile on his face and he still celebrates every goal like it’s the winning goal in a champions league final. So much joy!

How’s the reception at the RNC?

Always having fun. In his prime, one of the greatest players, certainly one of the best I’ve seen. If only for his El Clasico performance for Barcelona, that had even the Real Madrid fans applauding.

“I’ve been there, man.”

Type of boyfriend every girl want.

Lawyer: We’re going to get to the bottom of this.

I feel bad; the whole thing must really stink for him.

All in favor of making Boar Monday a thing say “Aye.”

How can you even focus on that when the event’s signage involves both prissy faux-handwriting and a PINK HEART for godssakes. How many meetings did they have to go through before they nixed the fairy-princess mascot with the sparkly wand?

Angels for Satan

“People assume that just because Donald Trump is awful that I’m not going to support him,” Kremer said, sounding indignant. “That’s an insult to my intelligence. I have the ability to think on my own.”