OMG I am totally going to start telling people the bruises will be my “something blue.”

Just put lace on the bandages and coordinate the flowers with the bruises. Done and done.

harvested from a donor and augmented with abdominal skin

Sure - it’s actually really simple:

People who use ‘but it’s the law’ as a defense make excellent fascists because they’ve lost the ability to distinguish law from justice.

I need to remember that they are creeper shields the next time a guy won’t leave me alone. I will just start pulling tampons out of my purse and setting them on the bar or table.

Obviously these people have never heard my inner monologue.

They may be assholes, but at least you can get a damn fine cup of coffee.

Ah I’d love that.

“When I can’t afford it on my pay, I don’t want people on the taxpayer’s dime to afford those kinds of foods either.”

It's been 10 years since she made that crossroads deal to become rich and famous, and the hellhounds are about to come for her.

That is the face of someone who goes down on you for just too fucking long.

So DOUCHECON works on the opposite scale as DEFCON?

Strange things happen late at night. Any 24-hour institution—a Super Walmart, a truck stop, a laundromat—has a magic hour around 3 a.m. when things get really, really weird. But 24-hour diners have a special magic to them, the kind of bizarre dreamlike state that settles over a place when the lights never go out and…

His dick isn't missing. That's a phallusy,

WTF am I doing with my life

Must have been a boring tour. Were they not entertained?!

High fives all around for the Only Child contingent.

Caramel DeLites, while they are the same cookie in theory, are actual garbage compared to Samoas.