your mom sounds awesome!

In the news a little while back there was a story on how Kids-these-days were soaking their tampons in vodka and then inserting them to get drunk!!

My mom used to do this, but every year she’d be something different. She’d do the whole “atmosphere” thing with music and sound effects, and open the door as some kind of character. Parents used to bring their kids to our house just so they could see what the crazy lady was doing that year. She was Fu Manchu, once,…

I came home after a DARE rally telling my parents about how drug dealers prey on kids and assured them I would be vigilant against drugs. My former narcotics office father patted my arm and explained ‘most people won’t give drugs away for free...’

I asked my dad about this when I was little. His response was “nobody is wasting their drugs on children, trust me”.

My mom is a medical examiner, and, as a consequence, knows a thing or two about illegal drugs. In college, when she would ask me what I did for the weekend, I thought I’d be a smart ass and reply with “Heroin.” Her reply was “You can’t afford heroin. What did you actually do?”

A “friend” (my former boss, actually) on Facebook posted a picture a few days ago showing a huge pile of candy that looked like sweettarts, with the pale pastel colors - some were “Halloween shaped”, some were just round, etc, etc, and the attached message was to NOT LET YOUR KIDS HAVE CANDY LIKE THIS because people…

First Question: You can’t eat/ have issues with dairy. You have two dessert options, cheesecake and strawberry ice. Which option is best for you?

The existence of water filtration/treatment plants has clearly passed these people by. Along with a fuckload of other basics.

One of the three terrible Halloweens I spent in the Twin Cities, I decided to go all out for treats. I went to a local grocery store and bought all the coconuts the store had and a couple boxes of condoms. That alone was worth it: the bagger was a teenaged boy who looked at me with a mixture of astonished admiration,…

I knew your father, I fought with him in the Queso Wars.

OMG yes. Just because your mother couldn’t make anything but scrambled, don’t assume that the rest of the world is insane or playing an elaborate trick on you when you find out that there are other ways to prepare them.

And that there’s more than one way to cook eggs. RECOMMENCE THE EGG WARS, BRING IT, MOTHERFUCKERS.

oh it was better when i was growing up. i really did have to hose down the sidewalk after some halloweens. i recently did the witch cackle my mom taught me for a friend and her kids and we had to warn the kids before hand and the littlest one still had to go in the house for a minute to calm down after.

The water, oh god the water. I had a -server- pull that on me one day.

Plainly we need a highly trained agency based on Blade Runner, but instead of replicants they hunt dumbasses. They’d be equipped with tranquilizer guns and trained to do voight-kampff like tests to determine if the subject was mentally equipped to interact with society. Nothing bad would happen to them, they just…

I believe this gesture to describe fish that walk around on the ocean bottom should pretty much cover it.

Maybe it harkens back to some subconscious safety mechanism in their reptilian brain that spies a hot mess and says “other people have been here. Here is safe. Go here for eats.”

Jackson Niles, you brilliant, brilliant artist with words. I have never heard a better description of awful guests. Brava, sir. Brava.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”