Once, when I was studying abroad, my phone (Nokia! Fuck yeah!) fell out of my pocket into the open tank of a Soviet era toilet.

Working as a nurses’ aide, I was emptying a catheter bag and managed to lose my phone from my scrub pocket straight into the container full of piss. Being broke (and since urine is generally sterile), I dried that puppy off and wiped it down with hospital grade disinfectant wipes. Used it for another 10 months.

Dropped my cellphone onto the subway tracks at 14th St & 6th Ave in Manhattan. This is was August 2007, so it was an old school clamshell phone - but I was 23 and it was my only phone (no landline) and it had ALL my numbers on it so I was determined to get it back. Problem: I am 5’1” and I was wearing a kooky 60’s…

If I go running I fall on a regular basis. My feet just go out and I slam and skid along the pavement. It horrifies people, but like, I’m so clumsy that I’m REALLY good at falling. Once I feel myself going irrecovably down, I sort of go limp (I never try to catch myself-that leads to broken wrists) and go down on soft…

True story — I was a personal assistant and my job literally depended on the contents of my phone. I dropped trou to pee at a Mardi Gras parade and my phone fell out and landed in the “collection” area of the portapotty.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, a friend of mine who was big on The Secret and all that crap, sincerely asked me, “And what have you done to bring this into your life?”

A badly made, ill-fitting partial denture for two front teeth. At the beach. In the ocean, while snorkeling. I searched for fucking hours, that shit cost me $1500 I did not have. And being me, I was so upset that I... may have been exceeding the speed limit on my way home. Naturally I got pulled over. I tried to speak…

Ooh, I can play this game!

Just yesterday, I had taken a very special (4- figure- stone bought in Tanzania) ring off before doing some yard work and put it on my coffee table, later in the evening I went to put it away, searched everywhere for about 20 minutes; was just about to give up, I looked in the trash can as I remembered I had thrown…

Diva cup into a toilet after peeing :-o

You’ve gotta give it at least a cursory glance. At least to see how close the pile is to your ham wallet, you know? You do not want splashback off of a Portapotty pile. Nope nope nope.

I’m impressed that you looked. Staring into the portapotty hole is like coming face-to-face with one’s inevitable death and decay. I imagine the falling-Jimmy-Stewart in Vertigo (but with, y’know, poop.)

I dropped my iPhone 5 in the toilet. Somehow that SOB still worked fine even those it was fully submerged and momentarily stuck in the bowl. My husband got his iPhone 6+ a tiny bit damp in a rain shower and it was fried. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I threw my work-owned iPhone away at a Culvers. Had to dig for it. I also sent a pager swimming in the toilet. Again it was a work one.

I dropped my iphone and it slid between the elevator and where you step in (like 1/2” gap) and I called the maintenance person for the elevator hoping there was a gap where the elevator lands. There is not and it was crushed. It was funny taking it to the apple store though (it was covered by apple care I think). And…

I dropped my flip-phone in the toilet years ago, after I had already taken a shit. I retrieved it and cleaned it off, but it was dead. If I did that with a flip-phone, you bet your ass I’d fish out my iPhone. I’m a dirty garbage person, though, so ...

They only brought Jesus to dinner with them so they could get free wine.

Seriously. These people are assholes.

Somewhat related: I REALLY hate it when a natural disaster hits, and friends on Facebook are all “oh my god! how horrible! I am going to pray for these people!” Fuck you. You REALLY want to help people? Get off your fucking knees and go to redcross.org or any other emergency…

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.