You're missing the three hours it takes him to poop half a meter of structural grade bamboo.

Right? How does this guy

Me too! Me too! But to be fair (?), Jezebel writers used to DESPISE Lena Dunham. In the beginning, the early ‘Girls’ days, they came for her with pitchforks. It could be ugly, brutal. Then, when they were called out for their hypocrisy (having to do with airbrushing, I think), they spun 180 degrees. I think Lena…

Apart from The Queen (of course), Amelie has the very best artistic treatment of Diana’s death.

I lost my dad a month afterwards... I think I'm the same age as Harry. I kept thinking just a month ago I had no idea what they were going through and now I suddenly do... Can’t believe it’s been 19 years.

I was an overnight editor at cnn.com when this story broke. It was the night/morning of my bachelor party. I got a call early in the morning (I’d been asleep for just a couple hours) and told it was all hands, big story breaking, haven’t you heard .... I was still so fucking drunk. I worked a double, got on the plane…

Oh, lord, how true. We spent one year stationed there, early 80s. Not only did the parents not give up the FCOJ when we lived next door to a grove — with a grove stand — they wouldn’t give it up even while we’re spending 8 weeks smelling the burnt orange and burnt orange peel stench of the FCOJ refinery that was on…

Is this what you’re looking for?

What a wedding announcement! It takes several paragraphs before it mentions the bride killed someone.

I’m eating grocery store cake with gooey icing and I don’t give a fuck

(sees article about Patti giving up sugar)

Obligatory:

But like, how do you know it’s really really safe? and real? and how do you know the “person” is the actual “person”? and do you care, because, really, money is money? I’m just fascinated.

Only one. I dated this nerd to make him look cool because I really needed the money to replace the white suede outfit I had borrowed without my mom’s permission.

For some reason I expected a love triangle to be part of the story and now I'm disappointed. This is like freshmen year roommate level of intrigue.

Pedroso came back to their hotel room and found Oliveira there with another Olympic hard body, canoeist Pedro Goncalves.

Whoa. I really did not think this would happen. I hope he can build a life for himself surrounded by supportive people who can try to help him move past this as best he can. And I hope when he sues he gets a shit ton of money.