“With a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘hold on’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the h*** did you get that banana?!’” - Mitch Hedberg

Sadly, he had no idea what to do when he reached third base

Funny, Adrian Peterson’s son’s face is imprinted on his cleats too.

I can’t think of any reason why Smith shouldn’t just go on Mike & Mike every Monday to talk shit about whoever was covering him the day before.

Urine big trouble if this happens to you while streaming wirelessly. Apple shouldn’t stall, and quickly offer something in loo of completely wireless if they are jockeying for a number one slot and want to keep a leg up. Offering a dongle could hold water. Maybe they should they slash the price on a replacement pair…

In the coral
The mighty coral
The lionfish dies tonight

“I have no problem not listening to The Temptations... which is weird.” - Mitch Hedberg

Wow. And to think I’ve erroneously called it ‘Cleveland’ for years.

Diner: “Can I have the double bacon cheeseburger, fries, beer and the injured player walk-through special please.”

Waiter: “Would you like the special teams player injury or can I interest you in upgrading to a starter?”

And I would walk five hundred miles,

So which QB is Bruce Willis?

The Carolina staff did too follow the protocol. Here’s a transcript of the discussion the doctors had with Cam Newton on the sideline.

if the Daily Show has taught me anything it’s that replacing a middle-aged man with someone named Trevor is going to be a disaster.

“I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they’re just as good, and we’re just wasting time.” - Mitch Hedberg

The NFL? Disingenuous?! HOW DARE YOU!

[scribble notes furiously]

That sound you heard was Drew Magary spiraling down a vortex of sorrow.

The Chargers finally got Bosa...