Conservatives on big government: “I made this money with my own hard work, I didn’t need the government’s help.”

Nailed it.

Well, at least it’s realistic. If you zoom in, you can see that the upper deck seats are empty and everybody outside is walking away from the stadium.

U.S. Soccer is a bunch of hypocrites considering Tim Howard has been blurting out inappropriate things his entire career.

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here!” - Mitch Hedberg

“I think Pringles original intention was to produce tennis balls. But the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a truck full of potatoes came instead. But Pringles is a laid back company. So they said, ‘F**k it. Cut ‘em up!’” - Mitch Hedberg

Yikes. Good thing these preseason injuries don’t count!

They have three sons: Baylen, Bowen, and Callen, and a daughter, Rylen.

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You can always tell when swimmers beef. Just look for the bubbles.

Katie Ledecky is better at swimming the 800-meter freestyle than any Olympian has ever been in any event. She is better at swimming the 800-meter freestyle than Usain Bolt is at running the 100. She is better at swimming the 800-meter freestyle than Michael Jordan was at basketball in 1992. Whoever gets silver and…

“Worst quarterback in the NFL,” [Michael] says.

I remembered when I played baseball I had a pretty standard routine for each at bat. First, I’d stand outside the box, tap the sides with the tip of my toe. I’d step in, line the bat up with the back edge of the plate. Then I’d swing at three straight pitches, go back to the dugout and cry uncontrollably until we were…

When someone hits you high causing damage to your eye
That’s Amar’e
When your skin starts to shine like you’ve bathed in red wine
That’s Amar’e

Oh no...Michael Jordan is going to be sad if this happens. I wish there were some visual depiction that I could share to show you how sad.

That’s a hefty contract. I guess there was no way the Bronco’s were gonna get Miller lite.
I guess now that he’s getting all the money he’ll be living the Miller High Life.
I guess this was a real Miller Genuine Draft 64 Lemonade???

Maybe I shouldn’t have tried for a third one.

I don’t think this is that rare of a thing, actually. I watch a lot of Nationals games, and I think Jonathan Papelbon must do it too, as players instruct him to ‘get fucked’ all the time.

Can’t blame a guy for trying. The last time someone brought fire to the village, it led to a Zika epidemic.

“about damn time” -Steven Adams' testicles