I promise not to write an excel spreadsheet of all the times you didn't give me the sexin' I want and send it to your work email.

I'm butt pregnant with a dump.

I haven't had a crush on a guy this fictional since Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid when I was 6.

Tina Belcher approves of this gif

Ok, Jez, please change the headline to say:

Also this:

Hodor

Sugar Knight would get shot at the annual Accountant of the Year Banquet and Dinner-Dance in St. Paul, MN.

Suge Knight would get shot at the Kids Choice Awards.

I'm so done with all the crap happening this week.

I learned that from the Duggars. Hey, maybe he wants his own reality show! Working title: I Fought the Law and My Balls Won.

I would wear this dress in a hot second.

If they were real men they would clip the mic to their nips.

Well, it does work in some other way, because if butter were easier to spread I would probably put it on everything. The butter being hard to spread coupled with my laziness ensures that I will not eat tons of butter. I NEED OBSTACLES I HAVE NO WILL POWER.

This tweet.

No, we had SPARKLE SEQUIN BOOBS and very slimming velour and all the country club moms thought we were super scandalous as a result.

OT: but does anyone else weirdly like school supplies? like i could spend an hour in office depot or staples, lovingly pouring over the post its.

Since this story is not funny in any way, let's all remember the time University of Kansas Defensive End Dion Rayford got himself wedged, Winnie the Pooh-style, in a Taco Bell drive-thru window.