She’s the Eternal Flame of dumpster fires. 

Clearly we need to bomb Iran.

If my server spills wine on the table cloth should I smack them with a rolled up menu and rub their nose in it?

I’d be more concerned if it was actual guanciale or some dripping wet horror from Iowa.

If Rob can’t scrape by on the proceeds from his lemonade stand sock company and his tax obligations are so onerous we clearly aren’t doing enough to lessen the burden on rich people.

It’s probably been 15 years since I had it, but I remember it tasted mostly of salt with a hint of chicken.

You know who had really good ratings and a loyal audience NBC? Tamron - fucking- Hall. NBC can suck it.

My tag line on Skype at work is almost exactly this, except it’s “if you’re making an illegal left against traffic for fast food...”

This Thanksgiving do your duty and report the Racist Uncle instead of rolling your eyes!

I deal with the USPS professionally and this is the sort of fuck up they excel at.

This Administration had to scrape the bottom of a lot of very scummy barrels for personnel. Will they be mining old trench latrines next?

That’s because you’re insecure and and culturally enrolled in a need to be liked by service people. Nobody is giving you a raise at your job because you smile. Likewise if your boss was always harping on you to smile you would lose your shit.

People who smile all the time look brain damaged.

I tell you what, for a reasonable fee I will purchase an entire Van Heusen outfit, rent some ugly children and loudly direct them in a series of pictures in line taken with a disposable film camera. For an up-charge I can clear my throat constantly.

I usually hear the term Medical or Dental Tourism

My Internist, Dentist and Dermatologist are all in Mexico. My company’s insurance is garbage so I make a little time on my vacations to see all three early in the day. At home I barely see my Primary Care and tend to use the telemedicine option for most minor complaints.

Correct proportions are so important in cosmetic dentistry. The upper temporaries (front 8) I wore until my crowns came back from the lab were a millimeter or so too long and I spent several days looking like a talking horse.

I have an Instant Pot, a Breville Smart Oven and an immersion circulator. Once I buy a countertop induction burner I’m going to yank out the range and fill the space with more cabinets.

Dear Supreme,

I wonder if MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki has had a wink of sleep in the past week?