All you fat bitches, skinny bitches, not-classy bitches and lesbians, step off! Now, let’s see who is left....anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

If you’re not a straight Victoria’s Secret model, just don’t wear his dresses, m’kay?

My brother is a champion stone skipper (yes, this is a thing) so he does travel with his own rocks - about 100 lbs in a small duffel bag. But he does tote his own stones.

Have you seen that show Catastrophe?

I am Team Valentines Day, too. Let’s all have fun spreading love!

I literally shriek-gasped when I saw the Halloween costumes at Costco the other day.

He also taught some duck hunters to cook duck really well, when they had been out slaughtering innocent ducks (well, they’re all rapists, so I guess not THAT innocent) and then not eating them because they didn’t know how to cook them so they taste good.

Haha sorry, that’s terrible.

Personally, I’d love to see the person with the carry-on that is literally too big to carry on have to pay per pound.

And I’m not talking that “paying for 2 seats” either, because that is almost always not necessary. Just give me a seat wide enough for my particular anatomy. Surely they could make adjustable seat widths!

I had an acquaintance who wanted to split everything. One day she said “What is half of 25 cents?”

When I got weighed for a helicopter ride, only the clerk could see the weight. I had imagined a huge Biggest Loser scale where everyone could see, but nope. Very discreet.

I think it should be for price reasons, too, and I’m a big fat tuna, so it would be more expensive for me. You and your luggage hop on a scale, get weighed, pay the price per pound. And then have larger seats for the people who are bigger. I’d rather do that than continue to have my Kardashian ass squooshing up into…

The precursor to Makayla Maroney:

Yes, I am. Get the fuck away from me.

He is just so fabulously unattractive to me.

Somebody did that to me today. I used to work with them in a newsroom.

The tattoo is an homage to his three sold-out shows