1 loaf of velveeta cheese

Thompson is goin’ artisanal or some shit.

Yeah. I tried making an authentic type queso once. Once. It did not turn out well. So, for meaty cheese dip:

Yup. Why the hell would you waste half a day to make some freaking cheese dip? If I’m putting in that much effort to make a dip, then what the fuck is the point of not being at work? My last food truck was a 5 cheese mac & cheese and I didn’t put that much time into 25 gallons of sauce.

Yes. Why would you complicate this dip?

I use a chili brick instead. No clue how I’ve made it to my 30's.

Leg cuff properly tucked under tongue. Nailed it.

I spy with my little eye: Reebok Pumps!!

Someone got a sassy new hair do.

Jack looks very plush and pettable...

Oh hai, Jack! *ruffles floofy topknot through screen*

Jack is a wonderful ball of floof.

My Dog, Dex...when I ask him “OoozagooboI? OOOZAGOOBOI??!!

Oh, my heart. So adorable.

It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.

I wouldn’t mock “The Beast”, it’s been called that for a long time and the term became semi-famous while Obama was using it. You open yourself up to a lot of mockery from the Trumpers if you try to push that narrative.

One time I was on 6AM flight and the dude sitting next to me ate a can of tuna fish and three hard boiled eggs for breakfast. That definitely deserved having the cops called.

She needed a better exit strategy. I’d settle for a home, a million dollars in cash, custody of the kids, and the freedom to discuss all details of the marriage and divorce publicly. Then I’d meet with a ghostwriter, fast-track my tell-all, do a TED talk on surviving divorce, and spend the rest of my life giving…

I have suggested this before, but here goes: SNL needs to get Leslie (Beverly Leslie) Jordan to play Jeff Sessions. Sessions would have an aneurysm.

Holy shit. I see that “quick-witted sarcasm” didn’t skip a generation. That line “and I’d be happy to pen your obiturary, too.” sounds like such a gracious threat of murder it gave me the vapors. lol