Remember when ESPN was watchable? It seems like a lifetime ago. 

You mean the state whose brand-new $70 million high school football stadium is the second-most expensive high school football stadium in the state? 

I don’t. I’m delighted. 

I grew up on Long Island. You know what’s good about Long Island? The beaches. You know what’s bad about Long Island? Every other damn thing.

Hahahahahahahaha.

I’m not sure Joe West is even the worst ump in baseball, never mind all of sports. Angel Hernandez is a hugely incompetent piece of shit. 

I get that, definitely. I’m just a severe absolutist about things like this. “You billionaire fuckwit, my town’s not good enough for you because we won’t bankrupt ourselves to build you a stadium? Fuck off, then. You’re dead to me.”

I honestly don’t understand Raiders fans who haven’t washed their hands of them. Like, what are they getting out of that? How is that fun?

He moved because he couldn’t find work here. I didn’t say ‘little’, you did. And I meant ‘sweet’ in the sense of she’s a very sweet person, not ‘sweeeet, dude.’

I don’t know anything much about this Unsworth guy, but I do feel compelled to say not everyone who moves to Thailand has unsavory sexual practices. Dude I know moved there about a decade ago to teach English and is still there, perfectly happy. Has a nice little cottage near the beach and a really sweet Thai fiancee…

Jesus Christ. The lozenges aren’t very tasty, but they work just fine for cravings. 

My uncle says that by halftime of Week One every year. Every year.

“I can’t fault MJ for putting business over peripheral politics.”

When that thing with that transsexual wrestler happened last year (? was it last year already?) Dale Hansen went on the air and, very nicely, basically told everyone who was up in arms or offended about it to eat shit.

You’re my kind of American, brother. 

Now we’re talking. 

What about the people who aren’t drawn to the ocean? Where did they come from?

<pacino>Adios, motherfucker. You were good.</pacino>

Are you not seeing, like, any of the other stuff going on? 

I would like to buy you a beer.