Ok, I’ll distract the trolls with this:

Don’t even get me started on fucking Dwarves and their obsession with the “frozen fire that glimmers in the deepnings of the earth” it’s just a bunch of shiny rocks you silly tits!

Not true. It's only been 30 years since he did Rachel Hunter.

Only way to solve this crime is to pump his stomach for evidence. 

followed by Rod Stewart punching the guard in his “left ribcage area.”

This is the AVClub. One of the reasons we come here is the snark. Otherwise, we’d be fine with People magazine.

I was just talking about the sandwiches.

Prediction: the 2020s are finally going to be the “Decade of the Banh Mi.”

god, I get so turned on by that John Harvey Kellogg-speak - lol :P

Well hey it worked (financially; not at all creatively) for The Walking Dead!

I have never believed this. The ‘creme filling’ is garbage (yet somehow complements the choco). Nor have I seen anyone do this. Anyone willing to bust up a chocolate biscuit like that doesn’t deserve their ‘cookies’.

Do people really eat the center out first?

I can’t tell if making the lead actress about eleven years old or so would clear up the problem, or make it so much worse . . .

block it on all your relatives tv’s this holiday.

Aw look, it’s the president.

Okay, I give up. How do you pronounce that last word?   Lew-wide?  Lew-wid?  Lewd?

Apparently one of Hope Hicks’ jobs during the Trump campaign was to iron his suits, while he was wearing them. It is no wonder that she lost her sanity and is now confined to Arkham Asylum, where she has become a crazed Harley Quinn-like supervillain (that’s what happened to her, right?)

I don’t buy any card that doesn’t have a snarky punchline. 

This seems to be a popular form online for people trolling media companies they've never engaged with before : "Cancel my subscription!"

Don't buy Hallmark cards ever again.