“You’ve been bad. I’m going to teach you a.....(click) Smith & Wesson.”

Paul F. Tompkins theme song or GTFO

Aunts who became born again after the divorce, but think that knowing what a “mee-mee” is makes them hip & woke or whatever you kids say these days

It will finally be revealed: Sir Ian was Banksy the whole time

‘Cuz I don’t marry foreigners, I deport them!*

But think of all the “make it so, Number One” jokes we would have missed out on had Peele taken the role! What, were we supposed to make “Liam Neesons is my shit” jokes?

I like Russell Brand, but am very much hoping this is more of a stand-up special than another political rant. He seems well-intentioned, but in a college-freshman-who-just-discovered-Chomsky-and-wants-to-spend-the-whole-party-talking-about-how-we-can-change-society-maaaaaaaan kind of way. It’s a bit much

Seabiscuit was robbed!!!! #oscarssohorseofadifferentcolor

“Reen” Morano? Looks like The AVClub’s hired the White House copyeditor again.

“And, Ms. Portman, if you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass”

Fine, compromise. Hologram Left Shark plays American Girl while Timberlake just does a bad Prince impersonation

I remember being a kid and seeing the 8-track collections of various friends of my parents and being confused as to what the point was. I’m pretty sure my 4-year-old daughter is going to feel the same way about CD’s. “So it only has a limited number of tracks, is nowhere near as portable, and the sound quality is…

That went away with predictability, the milkman, the paperboy, and evening TV

Mmmmm....11-year-olds

That reminds me of the Christmas episode they did: Gold, Frankincense, and Murder

Sponsoring will be provided by godaddy.gone

The task force will be made up entirely of older white males, who will determine that A) there are no problems with representation, B) adding 87 more categories should fix everything, and C) Billy Joel should win in every one of those categories

If one train carrying a Drew Barrymore leaves Los Angeles at 1:30, and a different train carrying a different Drew Barrymore leaves Santa Clarita at 1:45, and those trains get into an accident, and they can only find 60% of one Drew Barrymore, and 80% of the other Drew Barrymore, how much Drew Barrymore would you need?

Meh, still better written than 50 Shades Of Grey.

If by “whitewashed”, you mean “covered in homeless-dude sperm”, then yes