It's impossible for me to feel anything but disgust at a person so "terrified" she never dropped the selfie stick in her "fear". The thirst is strong in that one. Poor manatee.

Ban teens.

As a native Floridian, I would pay good money to see a movie where Spring Breakers are gummed to death by a manatee.

I have a story to add to this:

In the immortal words of Dwight Schrute:

lolol “IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”

Now more than ever it's Le Tigre for me:

I think it was in Bossypants and Amy Poehler shut him down by saying “I don’t fucking care if you like it” LOOOVE her

Well now I’m going to write fanfic about Megan Mullally and Tig Notaro being friends.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you: I love your voice.”

not a woman, but you just described at least one day of every week for me, except for the therapy part, but I have to imagine it would help my crushing desire to flip him the bird and walk out and watch his office grind to a fucking halt.

Hey dudes! Whatcha been up to?

WTF? Seriously?

I spent the majority of this article trying to remember who Lucille Ball was and thinking this was probably about one of the fictional Lucille’s from Arrested Development. Probably Lucille Two, judging by the statue.

I liked the episode where the damned souls started coming too fast so she had to put them in her mouth.

yeah, even i don’t give blowjobs like that and i can be a pretty fancy lady sometimes.

I think she bears the brunt of it too because she has the TEMERITY to have a weight that fluctuates. The only thing worse than being fat is being fat and then SOMETIMES NOT BEING FAT. <GASP>

Such delicate technique.

A person holding a microphone in this way always, immediately, strongly reminds me of a blow job, and it will never not be funny to me. That’s all I came here to say.

‘Oh, God!’ And they’ll say, ‘If they think you’re big I must be so fat to them.’