HOW RUDE!

[looks around to make sure nobody’s listening]

I was a road and stage manager. I walked into the University of Maryland with tech specs and tools. I came into the venue to find an inappropriate, huge rock-and-roll staging with lights and all sorts of flashy equipment we didn’t ask for or need. I knew the capacity of the electrical panel and knew this would blow…

When you meet people for the first time and they shake everyone in the group’s hand but yours because you are the only woman. Legit they drop the last man’s hand, look at me and then smile and nod. OHHOHOHOHOFUCK THAT I just stick my hand out obnoxiously and wait until they get uncomfortable and have to shake it. And…

"Oh, are you the paralegal?"

C'mon, Doc...you've been around Kinja long enough to know the answer to that question. :)

YOU’LL ALL HAVE CHINS.

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I should never have listened to a woman who tapes her bra together.

She already starred in a Lifetime movie

This kid knows what’s up.

Rihanna is just like my cat. Only Rihanna throws money in the air and my cat shows me his butthole for fun.

For real though, I just went and bought the current version. Because BASEBALL IS FINALLY BACK!

My husband and I incorporated some baseball elements into our wedding so I wore these leather Keds with baseball stitching... they were only made in 1992 so tracking down a pair in good condition in my size was a bitch!

I kind of love that. My husband is an Episcopal priest and I'm going to have to write this down so he can use it the next time he marries a couple, just to mess with them. Ooh, my sister is getting married next year! I'll tell her it was a change in the Prayer Book.

Prepare for the most English thing that any of you have ever, or will ever, have the privilege of hearing: in the CofE (that's the Anglican church) wedding ceremony the bride and groom are never asked to kiss. They are told to shake hands. This took both my husband and I by surprise. The Canon didn't bother to mention…

Yeah, the "everyone is right that I'm ugly" button is missing

Anyway, let's make a movie about Michael Jackson prank calling Russell Crowe, the end.

I bet he thought he could do voices, but really just sounded like himself.

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