I already took Tinder profile pictures with a mini donkey. Donkeys can not be my go-to!

The best I can come up with is having a new pair of socks every single day.

My best friend owns a comic book that was once owned by Rachel Maddow, which I thought was pretty rad.

Isn't this a Seinfeld episode?

Praise G-d from whom all blessings flow!

My boyfriend mentioned something about my “pale porcelain skin” this weekend and it was the best compliment of my life.

I want to go to there.

I call the month of recovery from having my tonsils out “the month I didn’t poop.” It impresses all the boys, I pretend.

I got a free IUD through a grant at Denver Health a couple years ago. Making jokes about my government issued IUD will never get old.

Weekends

Didn’t Prince tell Weird Al “nope.”

My mom tried to run me over with her car at Christmas and I have only spoken to her once since then. And somehow I feel like the piece of shit in this whole situation.

I bought a seat by myself for Sufjan’s concert tonight, I plan on crying next to two complete strangers who are going to realize I'm there by myself. I can't wait for tonight.

Thicke happened to be at a hotel my friends had their wedding reception at, about 3-4 years ago. The bride and several friends have pictures with him and I’m so sad I was not at this wedding and do not have one of these pics. He is so gross, I would look so good standing next to him.

I grew up in West Texas and have had a more helpful sexual education through Jezebel comment sections in the last year than my entire 15 year Texas education.

This part isn't in the TV version, so I about lost it when I finally re watched this movie on DVD last year when I saw this. This scene didn't make a lot of sense to me back in Jr High.

My British general of a relative married an American woman, who is said to have been a Patriot spy. Her wiki says,

I had to buy cranberry juice because of an UTI this week. As I was leaving the grocery at 11:30pm, the security guard looked me up and down and hollered “Enjoy that juice.” to which I replied, “It hurts when I pee!”

I have a pretty funny Tinder account, so I thought I could make a funnier OKCupid account since I would have more characters to work with. In the “Looking For” section is wrote “Looking for a greencard marriage.”

I'm going to go ahead and buy greencardmarriage.com for my wedding that my boyfriend hasn't asked me about yet.