“If USA ______ dies, what takes its place?”

For what it’s worth, my nut graf would be both quicker and messier than Das’.

“Derek Carr broke it down with the tragic, weary hopelessness of someone stuck in a Gogol story:

“It’s probably time for them to get a new gag.”

“You are who you donate to.”

So this means that Charles Johnson is black now?

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2018 chopping block:

Nope, that’s just their team record’s first name.

Prosecutors don’t generally make sweetheart deals unless that person is rich and or famous or just white.

Given that he has to pay studio musicians to play with him, it wouldn’t surprise me if he paid the station.

“ABC could’ve even introduced a character with a similar name (like Rodanne?”)

Man, he really is a shitbag.

The Democrats really wanted to play and knew they’d win, but they decided to stay home fight about who should coach the team instead.

You mean the Oche.

Good thinking, because then it’d be a handball.

On one hand, I get all the hate for this. Spending full paychecks salary on this useless shit is not my kind of life.

As a Dolphins fan, I’d like to put Culpepper absolutely below the bus line.

“The offseason friendly took place in Austria, where Everton have a training ground in picturesque Bad Mitterndorf.”

Putting American soccer on top of a toxic waste site?

Wait. You’re supposed to start cover letters with *anecdotes*?

It was a refreshing change to see a Chief put a feather in his cap and have it not be blatantly racist.