Paid through October? That’s a lot of scratch, quite a cushion. The superintendent must be in someone’s pocket. They should take a cue and fire him. We must break this habit of protecting rich cronies. It’s unacceptable this child was snookered by his teammates like that. No one should be violated with a stick in the…

Harrison’s only regret was not being at the bottom of that pile so he could break someone’s finger or punch him in the dick.

More like Shinji Kagawaaaaaaaaaaaah.

If Eli Apple is a cancer, then the football is the common cold since it’s so easy for the other team to catch.

Wisconsin: *deep-fries them at state fair*

I didn’t know what a two-way contract was, but I guarantee they’re more successful than the three-way contract I tried to get my girlfriend to sign.

In the ruling favoring the trainers of Coke dogs, the judge also banned the regulators from testing dogs for ecstasy Tabs, 7uppers, and Crystal meth Pepsi.

After his uncharacteristically proficient night, the biggest fans of his inefficient shooting and awkward dribbling pleaded with him to keep Austin weird.

“The season-long suspension shows how seriously we take their misconduct.”

The worst part was that he landed on the up escalator and had do to it all over again.

It makes sense since he took the under on how long it would take him to land back in prison.

More than 10 assists per game? Man, that Trae has a lot of dishes.

So did you ever get *inside* her pants?

“When he doesn’t get the ball, he goes crazy. He throws rocks.”

My only technique, in both chess and sex, is the four-move checkmate.

I know this is going to get buried, but there’s an easy answer. On the first play of a drive or when teams convert a first down, round the ball to the nearest yard until it’s 1st and goal. No need for markers or worrying about if the yellow line is official, if the markers are actually parallel with the sidelines, or…

Wow, that skeleton rider sure made a huge boner.

More like the FauxHawks, amirite?

She missed understood. They asked her if she would be willing to do the “Jacked Up” segment.