ETHEL MERMAN STARS AS A LEATHER-LUNGED FORMER STAGE MOTHER TURNED SEX THERAPIST RENOWNED FOR LAUNCHING INTO SHOWSTOPPING TUNES AS HER PATIENTS DISCUSS THEIR MASTURBATORY PRACTICES.

SEE, IN MY IMAGINATION HE'S A VERY PRIM AND PROPER GAY MAN IN A DECADES-LONG COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. AND HE COLLECTS UNICORN FIGURINES.

LET ME JOIN YOU ON THAT NOT-SHIPPING-JESS/NICK TUGBOAT, COMPADRE.

WOW. WHAT A NARROW VIEW OF MILLENNIALS.

NO, HONEY, MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS NOT STUCK. I'M COMMITTED TO WRITING IN ALL CAPS UNTIL OUR SOCIETY LOSES THE INANE PREJUDICE THAT CAPITALIZED LETTERS ARE SOMEHOW LOUDER THAN NON-CAPITALIZED LETTERS. NEITHER ONE MAKES ANY NOISE AT ALL, SHEEPLE!! FIGHT THE POWER!!

HOW'S THIS? (ARE YOU VISUALLY IMPAIRED?)

HEY, I RECENTLY WATCHED "MARRIED TO THE MOB" AND THOUGHT IT SUCKED COMPARED TO "THE GODFATHER." THE FACT THAT THEY'RE BOTH MAFIA MOVIES IS ENOUGH TO WARRANT A COMPARISON.

THIS APPLE ISN'T CITRUSY ENOUGH, DAMN IT!!

YOU WEREN'T BREASTFED AS AN INFANT?

#DOWNVOTEDFORUSEOFHASHTAG

I RECOMMEND THAT THEY CAST ALEXANDRIA DADDARIO.

MY MATH MAY BE CRAZY, BUT IN MY WORLD THAT ONLY ADDS UP TO FOUR.

QUICK! GIVE US A LIST OF THE TOP TEN BOOBS YOU'VE SEEN ON A TV SHOW, AND WE CAN DISCUSS THEM!

HEY, MOVIES THAT ARE MADE FOR PEOPLE YOUNGER THAN I AM!! GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN!!

YOU GO, SUPERGURL!! SPEAK TRUTH TO POWER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION!!

ISN'T HE GENERALLY CONSIDERED ELECTRIC SHOCKABLE?

I'D OPINE THAT THE PREDISPOSITION TO GO ALONG WITH WHAT AUTHORITY FIGURES TELL YOU TO DO BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE THEY WON'T ACTUALLY CAUSE ANY HARM MIGHT PROVE TO BE PRETTY USEFUL TO AUTHORITY FIGURES. PARTICULARLY THOSE WHO MIGHT WANT TO CAUSE HARM.

THAT'S WHY I'VE LOST INTEREST IN SEX.

STAGEHANDS? THE EXPENSIVE SET?

ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE I READ THIS INTERVIEW, I WAS WATCHING SOME OF "GHOST RIDER" WITH MRS. SCRUBSIER, AND DONAL LOGUE TOLD EVA MENDES, "BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG WE WERE RIDING THE GRAVY TRAIN WITH BISCUIT WHEELS." AND THEN READING THIS INTERVIEW MADE ME FEEL LIKE WATCHING THE LAST HALF HOUR OF THAT LAZY, SHITTY MOVIE…